Solving the Equation of My Depression, Part Four

I hear the door slam.

 

I know it’s 7:45am by default. My mom has just left for work. I sit up in bed and immediately my nose begins to bleed. This happens every once and while. I blame the cigarette from the night before. 

 

one cigarette + one person who never smokes = Ellen with a nose bleed

 

The bloody nose doesn’t last long. 

 

Only enough blood to fill one kleenex. 

 

I know the bright red will quickly turn brown so I flush the kleenex down the toilet. 

 

I don’t want to watch myself decay.

 

—————

 

It’s night.

 

I could have sworn I had fallen asleep an hour ago, but I just realized I am still awake.

 

I’m still here.

 

My eyes are swollen and heavy from crying.

 

Rule 4. It’s okay to cry

 

At least I feel something…

 

I cried while eating pizza earlier. My mind unrelenting in it’s constant torment. My heart slowly then suddenly breaking.

 

I’m too toxic for anyone.

 

I’m too toxic for myself. 

 

“But when that cry for help is not answered by those you need most, then it’s you who must answer the call!”

 

*TURNS TV OFF*

 

—————

 

I now lay on the bathroom floor crying. The coolness of the floor calms me. It’s my retreat in times of need. 

 

A weird sad habit.

 

Maybe the TV was right.

 

Maybe I do need to answer the call.

 

Maybe…

 

“How many rings before Ellen finally answers the phone? Find out next week on…”

 

*TV TURNS OFF ON OWN*

 

X(rings)=Ellen finally answered the phone!